20 years

Today, my youngest son turns 20. It is.a bit shattering to consider. It is 20 years since I last gave birth; 10 since it was even a possibility.

I often find myself contemplating my children's birth stories on their birthday. I am sure I am like many other mothers in that way. All my children came into this world in much the same way - cesarean section. Large needle in back (don't move, don't breath, don't move, don't breath). Tall white curtain separating me from the rest of my body - and him. I could feel, I could hear, but I could not see. I hated that. One of my least favorite experiences in the world was the moment when my children were shown to me, but I could not touch them. I do wish I could have had that, even once.

My youngest, however, was not an emergency c-section. He was scheduled. Any hope of a VBAC had been destroyed after the birth of my daughter. And it was quite civilized, really. No rushing down halls, no delayed response to a quick spinal, no distress. And yet, I was back there again - me and the white curtain. My husband was not present (another story), nor my mother (caring for the other two), so it was just me and my husband's aunt. She is lovely. I remember asking her if I could hold her hand. The white curtain disconnects, and the handholding connected in a way I desperately needed.

When you have a c-section, the room is rather full. At least it was 20 years ago. But, I remember feeling alone. Very, very alone. And giving birth made me feel strong and weak at exactly the same time. I was bringing life into the world, but I had absolutely no control. Even my hands were strapped straight out from the table - like a cross. My body, separated from my mind and from the pain, from the neck down. Weak. Totally out of control. Yet never stronger.

His birth went off without a hitch - although I remember asking the doctor if she had broken one of my ribs. She assured me - no. It had been violent, but not that violent.

Honestly, that is a good way to describe birth. Violent and beautiful. It was certainly a beautiful way to end the month of May.

He completed our family that day. He still does.